Insert Lawrence Arms lyric here

So, I was reading older posts on Brendan Kelly's blog and he had one where he was going through a list of what makes him a nerd. While scrolling through the list, and saying "check" to myself for everything he rattled off, I decided that I should probably make my own list in this vein. Self proclaiming yourself a nerd is pretty lame, I realize, but there were a few that he didn't name that I was into and I feel I should share with the internet. Internet being Anna? Evan? Maybe Kyle. I think that's everyone who reads this. Anyway, here goes.

1) Magic: The Gathering. A card game. You are supposedly a wizard with shit tons of badass powers at your disposal. You can cast spells, summon monsters, artifacts, and other stuff. And it's a card game. So you're not really doing any of this (pfff, obviously) but rather, pretending you're casting these spells and beating the fuck out of carrion beetles and bog wraiths by fictional representation on a card drawn by some Frank Frezetta ripoff. Speaking of which, I'm going to be a dude that draws for Magic cards. That is my life goal. Thank god that's what I'm going to school for.

Alright so playing this makes you a nerd. Duh. And I was way into it. My friend Matt bought something like 500 cards one time and we would just sit around, looking at the pictures, talking about how badass this 12/12 wall is, or how much shit we could fuck up with this Armageddon spell, and building decks. And that's it. We actually very rarely played. We played each other. Sometimes I played myself or my brother. So I guess I'm not that big of a nerd because I never went to tournaments at the comic book store or anything like that. Fuck it, I'm going to Wizard's Keep tonight.

2) In the same vein, and way worse, I played Dragon Ball Z cards. This one I actually went to a tournament for. At a comic book store. I lost. Miserably. God, Dragon Ball Z is badass. I can't really remember how to play the game at all. I could still play Magic just fine. Man, you know what the worst part about these games is? They're too god damn expensive. I just looked up prices on booster packs (like 10 cards) and they're almost $9 a pack. Jesus. I can't believe I dropped money on shit like this. I could have had so much more candy or dollar store bullshit and Taco Bell. Oh well. Expensive brings me to my next topic...

3) Warhammer. God dammit, this game is stupid. Okay, the concept is awesome. Like D&D but without a dungeon master and fake rules and shit. You control an army of elves, orcs, dwarves, goblins, etc. and you try to fuck up your opponent. Each piece has a designated ability, hit points, weaknesses, strengths whatevs. You build your battle field out of fake grass and rocks and shit and you battle 'til the death. I'm assuming there's more to it than that but that's my point. I NEVER GOT TO PLAY THE GAME BECAUSE IT'S TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE. That's why it sucks. You spend more money, you kick more ass. So here I am, psyched on this sweet game and goblins and shit, but oh wait, you have to drop two grand before you can even start playing?!?! Jesus. Actually, I more enjoyed reading the manuals and watching other people play. Yeah, I went to Games Workshop, hung out with other nerds and pretended like I was going to get my army together and start playing. Yeah right. Man, if I ever get rich, that's the first thing I'm doing. Get my Skaven army together and lay this world to waste.

4) Brendan mentioned comic books. I don't give a shit about comic books, per se, but he did mention one thing that got me super psyched. THE TICK. Not just the show. Most kids my age watched Fox on Saturday mornings. Cool people watched the Tick. I was one of those. But my love for the Tick extended to reading the original comic series written by Ben Edlund and published in 1988. I have an original pressing (not mint, bummer) of the Tick #1 and then represses of of 2-6, a repress of the Omnibus (a book of 1-6) just to name a few. I used to get a New England Comics Press catalog, take what little money I had, give it to my mom who got me a money order (shit! money order!), send it out and like three weeks later, I'd get my package containing the Tick #4 or whatever. I should get the other books of the first series and read those because I still don't what happens.

5) God, I loved Final Fantasy VII. I mean, I loved this game. One time as punishment, I was grounded from the game. Not from anything else, I just was NOT allowed to play this game. So of course, I snuck over to a friends and played. Shit, mom. I HAVE TO PLAY!!!!!! I don't know what it is about it. Awesome characters? Check. Cloud Strife is one badass protagonist. Vincent rules even though he sucks after like level 70. Cid is awesome. Everyone hates Yuffie, but I love her. The story is incredible. It came out in 1997 for the PS1 and the graphics are so amazing for that time. God, Sephiroth rules and the final boss battle is so epic. I always tell myself I'm going to start it again, but god dammit if Midgar isn't the most boring thing ever and it takes forever before you can get out on the world map. Anyway, yeah this game is awesome and I love it.

This is getting lengthy and I'm sure your attentions are waning. I'll wrap it up. Here's a few other things to close with. Star Trek, Star Wars, Pokemon, various other RPGs, I have a pretty disgusting knowledge of rock n' roll history, daddy daddy daddy.

Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I apologize if you read all that. If you did, congratulations. Let's play some Magic. Seriously, who wants to play with me? I've still got a deck at home somewhere.